"The Adventures of Uncle Luther and Uncle Tom"
News From The Country Store
by Bobby McDonald
Chapter 7
Good mornin', folks! Now thangs are gittin' awfully dry here in Catalpa Flats and Skeeter Switch. Why, somebody done come by the front porch this mornin' with a big ol' catfish that done had ticks all over it! Now, that is gittin' dry, when the ticks is hittin' the water fer a cool place to stay!
O' course Cousin Tom couldn't be outdone with a story and he done started tellin' how he heared it was so dry that the trees were now chasin' the dogs, down south of Catalpa Flats!
Well, the nextest thang I knowed Tiny Ledbetter was claimin' he'd done caught a 60 pound catfish behind his house, in Skeeter Branch, and it didn't even know how to swim yet!
Then, Ol' Frank Johnson from over at Pine Flats came by the store and said that his beef cows was havin' to graze on the run to stay ahead of starvation. Folks, beef cattle ranchin' is gittin' mighty serious!
Thangs are mighty dry! That's all I kin say! Why folks is a swearin' that the Church ov Christers and Baptists have done gone to sprinklin' and the Methodist jist voted to accept dry cleanin' to git saved! And, heer we is in the middle of revival season in these here parts!
Fannie Mae Williams came by the store 'bout 10:00 this mornin' and swore that she was feedin' her hens chipped ice with their layin' mash to keep 'em from layin' hard boiled eggs over at her place. Why, I believe her, 'cause she done had a boiled egg as proof ov her theory. It was boiled sure as shootin'!
And, speakin' of religion, they is havin' a revival over at the Holiness Church at Smith's Corner. They is shoutin' and preachin' ever' night to beat 70.
Now, you know us rednecks don't get too worked up over sin, but we git mighty serious about our religion. You headed straight to hell if'n you don't show up for services on Sunday mornin', but it is o.k. if'n you's still got a headache from too much moonshine the night before. I jist wanted you to know whut's mostest of us believe as the pure and simple gospel. God wouldn't a made no corn if'n he didn't want it served in a jug!
There's many a Bubba who "sleeps with the swine" on Saturday night and come Sunday mornin', he's on the front pew with eyes that have roadmaps of Texas in 'em and a beggin' the choir to sing jist a little bit softer!
Like I always says, "They has been a many a man toilin' in the sun, when he was called by the Lord to preach in the shade!"
As you kin see, the stories are gittin' deep 'round the front porch these days, with it too dry for anybody to be in the field a plowin'. I'll jist leave you with the last bit of information I heared:
"The big tractor store up in town has done been tryin' to promote a new model of tractor designed for drought........it has no seat and no steering wheel......it's for the farmer that has lost his butt and don't know which way to turn!"
Think about it! You might be needin' one of them tractors!
Chapter 6
Now, Tom and me done been spendin' more time on the front porch lately, cause our women folks done been in a real bad mood with all the cookin' and cannin' that is takin' place this here time of year. Iddy Mae can be down-right mean when she's been in the kitchen all day long a cannin' tomatoes or somethin' and you come in an' ask her what's fer supper!
So, me and Tom have been sittin' out on the front porch and makin' do with a slab of cheese and some sody crackers for supper, and if we stay long enough, Mr. Starrett will be gittin' rid of his buttermilk from the well and offers us "a taste."
As I'm always tellin' folks you git to see plenty of thangs from the front porch of the country store. Why jist this afternoon, me and Tom done saw the sun goin' down real perty-like in the west. Ain't many times you take the time to see such a sight, mostest always you be eatin' supper that time of the night.
But, jist as the fire flies were makin' there way out, was when we started fer home, a hopin' that Iddy had done had a chance to cool-off with the weather. Then, jist as I rounded the corner at the crossroads wuz when I saw Ted Dooley with his arm all wrapped 'round some woman. And, it wasn't his wife. Ted's wife is a big woman and this here woman wasn't as big as a pocket on a shirt! They didn't notice me and I jist stood real still in the shadows of the big chinaberry tree and watched them git closer and closer. Lo and behold, it was Mrs. Julianna Crawford, the gals basketball coach at the school. Who would have ever dreamed that you'd see sich a thang when you wuz mindin' yo're own business and headed for home?
It's got me so messed up, I don't know whut to do. Tomorrow is quiltin' and if I tell Iddy Mae, the whole world will know about it before them gals sew a stitch. Then, there's the problem of what to say at the front porch in the mornin'. I hate fer somebody else to git to tell it before me, but then I hate to be the bearer of tales. You know what I mean?
Well, I guess I'll jist have to sleep on this here matter and see whut my dreams tell me to do about it. Who would have ever thought that I'd git to be the firstest one to tell the boys at the store about Coach Crawford and ol' Ted Dooley?
Chapter 5
Tom and I went to the front porch this mornin'. I'm still not "in the clear" as far as Iddy Mae is concerned. She's still "swelled-up" 'bout me thankin' she wuz a wearin' a wrinkled gown. Tom thanks that she will come around in about a week or so. I hope so, 'cause I'm 'bout tired of eatin' them cold biscuits!
The best thang 'bout the front porch is you never, ever know whut you might see or what is gonna happen nextest. Take for instance, today. Tom and me wuz jist sittin' there a swattin' the flies and drinkin' Co-Colas with peanuts in 'em, and passin' the time .
Then, all of a sudden, we heared the awfullest rackit you ever heared in yo're life. We looked-up and here came Ol' Bess, Lige Ledbetter's bestest coon dog, and she had a trail of male dogs a mile long behind her. There wuz a Dalmation, a Great Dane (now where did a Great Dane come from in Catalpa Flats?), a Lab, and two dozen mongrels. They wuz all a howling and fightin' one another, but brangin' up the rear was a little ol' Chihuahua, not bigger'n a flea, and he wuz yappin' at the top of his lungs!
That's when Tom and me decided to take matters into our own hands. You see, Ol' Bess is Lige's pride and joy. He had no idear that she had done escaped from her pen, behind his house and attracted all these here "boyfriends." So, I punched Tom and we wuz a thankin' the very same thang. We run all them big dogs off with a big ol' stick and Ol' Bess got up close to the front porch and took a "breather." Then, I lifted that little ol' Chihuahua up on the front porch and he took a "flyin' leap" toward Ol' Bess. Now, three months from now, Ol' Lige is gonna have him some half-Chihuahua puppies that he don't know 'bout!"
He's gonna be sellin' them high-powered coon dog pups and he's not gonna know that they is half-Chihuahua. That there is gonna be our secret.
Ol' Lige came up the road a lookin' fer Ol' Bess and found her here beside the porch, and quizzed me and Tom both, 'bout if'n we'd seen any male dogs 'round her. Of course, we told him that we hadn't seen no male dog within a hun'ert miles o' here!
Kin you imagine the surprise on those folkses when they find out they got a half-Chihuahua coon huntin' dog that all he kin do is yap on top of a stump?
Chapter 4
I jist cain't seem to git out of the dog house! That Iddy Mae is done gittin' difficult to live with in her old age. She's still "smartin'" about that dadblasted paz-ley tie a gittin' ruint by the Brown Mule. Why, you'd a thank that I'd a commited the awfullest sin this side of Dallas, to hear her tell it!
Then, things have gottin' worster!
You see. Iddy Mae belongs to the quiltin' club that meets down at the Community Center oncetest a week. All the local ladies go down thar and catch up on all the gossip and claim they is a quiltin', and I guess they is 'cause ever once in a while they come up with a big ol' quilt that they have done finished. But, Tom and I done got it figured out that main reason most of 'em go is fer the gossip. Why they is women that are so stiff with arthritis that they cain't hardly wipe their noses, that go to quiltin' ever' week!
Well, oncest a month the County Home Demonstration Agent comes out and gives 'em a program at the quiltin' club. According to Iddy Mae, she teaches 'em some somethin' useful that they kin take home and use in the home, stuff lak cannin' beans or mixin' homemade jam. Well, the way I got it this week's program was on improvin' yo're love life in middle age. Kin you imagine women folk a spendin' they time on sich stuff?
And, worstest of all, kin you imagine somebody lak Iddy Mae, with a hunk of a husband lak me, a payin' any attention to some spinster from the Home Demonstration office? Now, who would go an' take the advice on married life from a woman that's done chose not to ever git married?
Regardless, that's the cause of why I'm in the dog house this here week. I had no idea that Iddy Mae had been listenin' to this here nonsense 'bout our love life!
The trouble started last Monday night, rat after she had done been to quiltin'. We sat down to supper jist lak we always did and then while she cleaned up the kitchen, I went out on the front porch and listened to the news on the radio and watched the fireflies flicker in the dark. She came out and was a tellin' me somethin' that Clara Belle Ledbetter done told 'em at quiltin' and she didn't "cheap" nothin' 'bout what she had in her mind to pull!
I done told Iddy Mae it wuz time fer us to go to bed and I went in jist like I always do. I turned down the coal-oil lamp an' put my glasses on the night stand, took out my teeth, and climbed on my side of the bed. I had even hung my overalls up on the chair 'cause Iddy Mae gits mad when I leave 'em in the floor beside the bed.
Sure as shootin', I wusn't payin' no mind, when Iddy come out of the little room beside our bedroom, where she'd been doin' those "womanly" thangs that she does ever' night 'fore bed. That's when she done asked me how I liked her outfit. Me, I done squinted my eyes 'cause it was dark and told 'er, "Iddy I thank you need to iron yo're gown!"
I shouldn't a said that! You see, Iddy wuz in her birthday suit, 'cause that there Home Demonstration Agent had done told 'em that to "spice up" they love lives in middle age, that they ought to go to bed in they birthday suit. That wudn't no gown Iddy Mae had on that wuz wrinkled. That wuz Iddy Mae herself!
It's been two days since Iddy has said a word to me and I'm done back on a ration of cold biscuits fer breakfast, dinner, and supper!
This mornin' on the front porch of the store, I done ast Tom and the boys a whut they thank 'bout Iddy Mae a gittin' mad over somethin' so trivial. Mostest of the boys jist shook they haids and said I wuz gonna be eatin' cold biscuits fer several more days.
Now, Tom, he done broached another kind of idear. He done said it wuz all Iddy Mae's fault. He said that after we done been married thirty-five years that she shouldn't be surprising me lak that, out of the clear blue.
What do you thank?
Chapter 3
He's a hardshell, sure as shootin'. I can smell 'em a mile a way!" was Uncle Tom's cry from the front porch this mornin'. "He's done got to meddlin' in folks business and that there preacher ain't goin' to be preachin' in Catalpa Flats for long!"
Now, Sunday mornin' was startin' off real fine. Iddy Mae had done woke up in a good mood. She had plenty of matches and had me a hot cup of coffee with jist the right amount of cream in it, a ready and a waitin' when I got to the breakfast table. Then, she brought out two "sunny side up" eggs that had the yolks winkin' at me, a big ol' slab of ham, and some of them fluffy hot biscuits that she cuts the dough with the KC bakin' powder can. And, to top it all off, she had a big ol' pan of red-eye gravy made from the ham drippin's. Now, that is fine eatin', if'n you ast me! You don't git much better than that in Catalpa Flats.
And, Iddy Mae was in sich a good mood that she was a hummin' a tune, as she went about doin' her cookin' and cleanin'. The trouble really started when I went to git ready fer church. That's when Iddy Mae done told me I needed to wear that new tie she had got fer me, to welcome the new preacher in at the church. Now me, I wanted to wear my favorite blue and white pokydot one that I got fer Christmas about ten years ago. That's when Iddy Mae done went and told me she had taken it to quiltin' on Thursday and it was already sewn in a quilt! Kin you imagine a woman that would pull a stunt lak that without askin' 'fore she did it? I swear that woman can git plum crazy at times. Thangs begin to go downhill from there!
The new tie wuz what some folks call a paz-ley and this awful lookin' color that nobody in their right mind would want to wear, at least if'n they wuz a real man. But, Iddy Mae done thought she had done somethin' great and kept on tellin' me how purty it was, lak I couldn't look in the mirror and see fer myself.
Well, you guessed it. The firstest thang when I got to church ever'body in the whole place turned around and looked at my new tie. That's when Tom kindy eased up to me and whispered some cute little remark about my purty tie! I jist almost boxed Tom's ears rat there in the meetin' house, before God and ever'body! Now, what makes him go and start somethin' lak that, when he knows good and well Iddy Mae made me wear it or I wouldn't be caught dead in somethin' lak that!
It took 'til the fifth verse of "Bringin' In The Sheaves" 'fore I got settled in and fergot about folks a starin' at my tie. We wuz plumb out of breath by the time Brother Ernest Dean Williams quit on that there song leadin'. Why he done made us sing seven verses and started over, 'fore he quit. I almost had to set down, 'fore he got finished.
Then, Deacon Watkins got up and introduced this new boy that has done been called to preach at Catalpa Flats Baptist. Why, the boy ain't dry behind the ears. He couldn't be more'n seventeen years old, has a squeaky little voice, and a little ol' gal a settin' on the front pew that jist sat there all moon-eyed and hung on his ever' word. I could smell trouble 'fore he ever got started on his lesson. He didn't have no idea 'bout what he'd done got into a comin' to Catalpa Flats. We all know that Mildred Watkins done runs Catalpa Flats Baptist and when I looked over and saw a scowl on her face, I knew it was time fer that preacher boy to "turn out the lights" on his preachin' career.
But, to make matters worst, he commenced to preachin' his lesson on the sins of dancin' and chewin' tobaccy. Firstest of all, there had done been a hoe-down over at Switch Ridge the night before and over half of the younguns from Catalpa Flats had done gone. So, this here preacher man had done made all the younguns mad, when he got to steppin' on their toes 'bout cuttin' the rug. Then, when he got downright personal and started to talkin' 'bout tobaccy, he done made mostest of the old folks mad. Why, we all know that Mildred Watkins has her own snuff box and he was gittin' in where it hurts real bad!
Now, where does one git that tobaccy is a sin? Me and Ol' Brown Mule is real good partners and I'll bet if'n that preacher boy ever tried a cut of it, he'd be hooked for life too! I sat there and listened to him talk 'bout as long as I could, and I commenced to lookin' 'round. Firstest, I saw Claude Pendergrass git up and fake like he wuz goin' to the privy and, then it was Karl Starrett a headed out the back door. Me, I waited 'til Jimmy Ledbetter and Little John Boy Watkins got up to leave, before I got up, 'cause Iddy Mae done kept cuttin' her eyes at me kinder threatenin' like. But, when a feller gits that personal you got to take a stand some ways!
Well, you guessed it. Iddy Mae is all mad 'cause when she come out of church there wuz about ten or twelve of us menfolks a spittin' and a chewin' under the big sycamore tree besides the church. We was gonna show that little boy that his lesson didn't have no effect on us. But, Iddy Mae done got it in her haid that we wuz a bein' some kind of rude. Kin you imagine that?
Then, thangs got worse. On the way home from church Iddy Mae done went and saw that I'd got a big ol' stain of Brown Mule on that dadblasted new tie. Why, you'd a thunk I'd a done it on purpose or somethin'! "Looky there Luther, you done ruint that purty paz-ley tie," she said. "Why, you know tobaccy juice ain't ever gonna come out of it! I thank you went and did that jist to spite me!"
Now, wonder how I could've been so careless lak that? Guess it is ruint fer good. What a pity!
Tom say that there is goin' to be fur a flyin' if'n that there hardshell boy don't let up, 'cause he done said that him and his little galfriend done went to have Sunday dinner at Mildred Watkins' house. We all know she kin set that younun straight faster than mostest anybody else in Catalpa Flats.
Me, I'm jist waitin' to see what kind of lesson he's gonna preach nextest Sunday, that is if'n Mildred even lets him come back. I've got a bet goin' with Tom that there is fixin' to be a "conversion" or that little feller is gonna duck his tail and head for another callin' 'sides preachin'!
What do you think?
Chapter 2
"Dad-gummit!" That Ida Mae won't cut me no slack! Jist the minute that I walked in the house she done went and ask me 'bout them matches I was suppose to git fer her!
"How on earth could you go all the way to the store and fergit the main thang you went after?" she asked, jist like I ain't got no other business to tend to at the store.
The real clincher was that she made me eat cold biscuits fer supper a sayin' she didn't have no matches to light the stove. Have you ever heard of someone gittin' down to the last matches 'fore they said they needed any?
Then, the real problem was this mornin' when she made me eat cold cereal for breakfast instead of my usual eggs and toast. She still claimed she couldn't light the stove without any matches!
Well, you kin bet the firstest thing I went and did was go and tell Mr. Starrett to give me a box a matches, when I got to the store this mornin'. I got 'em rat here in my front pocket and ain't nobody gonna take 'em from me! I want some hot coffee and a hot breakfast in the mornin'!
That's when Tom got to the store, late as usual, and done told me that the reason he was late was that he stopped by to help Ida Mae light a pile of dead grass in the road ditch, when he passed by my house. Now, how did Ida Mae light that grass, if'n she didn't have no matches? Sometimes that woman can jist be plumb honery!
Well, Tom and me was sittin' out on the front porch when Lija Ledbetter made his way to the store and commenced to tellin' us 'bout his coon dog. Now, Lija thinks his little ol' hound is 'bout the bestest coon dog in the whole area of Catalpa Flats. He went to tellin' us 'bout how smart Ol' Silver is. " Why, he's so smart that if I go and git my shotgun, he starts sniffin' the ground for quail," claimed Lija.
"And, if I start to git my rifle, Ol' Silver starts searching the trees for squirrels," bragged Lija.
"What happens when you go after your rod and reel?" asked Uncle Tom, a tryin' to trip Ol' Lija up.
"Why Ol' Silver goes to diggin' fer worms, jist as fast as he kin!" declared Lija.
Now, do you believe that dog is that smart?
This mornin' everybody is talkin' 'bout Ma Jones' funeral on Saturday. You see, Ma done died 'bout three years ago and when they was takin' her coffin to the local cemetery, the wagon done hit a post on the cemetery gate and jarred the whole shebang. That's when somebody heard Ma a talkin' in the coffin and raised the lid and she was still alive!
This time as they was takin' Ma in through the gate, Pa Jones told 'em to be real careful and not hit the post with the wagon!
Well, when we got the funeral all taken care of, Tom and I started us a checker game on the nail keg in front of the store. Now, Ol' Tom kin be perty swift a tryin' to win and you got to watch him when you go inside the store after a plug of tobaccy. He'll make a move fer you when you ain't lookin'!
It happened agin today. I went after some Brown Mule and Tom done snuck a king off'n the board while I was gone. Lija Ledbetter done told me to watch whut was goin' on. And, Uncle Tom jist made out lak he ain't done nothin'. Wells, it don't do no good to tell 'im 'bout it. I jist waited 'til he went to the outhouse and I gots two of his kings while he was gone!
I won the match 'cause I got a big bladder and sweated Ol' Tom out the longest!
Well, it was gittin' on 'bout time fer supper and I thought it was bestest that I got Ida Mae her matches so she could whip me up some supper that was hot tonight. I got home and she'd done been quiltin' all day and done planned on some baloney sandwiches fer supper. Have you ever heared of sich?
Now, I done told Ida Mae that come mornin' I wanted me some hot bacon and eggs and some warm biscuits with ribbon cane syrup. She reminded me agin that I'd fergot her matches, or there weren't never been no cold biscuits in this here house!
You might as well jist hush up 'cause you ain't never goin' to win an argument with Ida Mae. She's gonna keep on naggin' 'til she gits good and ready to quit!
We'd done gone out on the front porch at the house and was a rockin' when Ida Mae done went to tellin' me 'bout all the gossip she heared at quiltin' today. It seems that there is a new preacher headed to the Baptist Church come Sunday. Now, what I'm a wonderin' is how long is it goin' to take this here community to break him in? Is he gonna be jist as hard headed as that last one was? Or, will he come around to our way of thankin' real quick?
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